One of the things that seems to come up often when we chat with newbie swingers is the impact of being surprised at their own reactions. We spend lots of time working on communication with our partners so that we don’t get out ahead of them in a swinging situation. We also, if we are smart, study our partners and learn to read their “tells” for things that bother or delight them. However, many times we neglect to get to know ourselves.
We don’t mean know yourself in an onanistic way! Surely reading about our swinging life has already helped out with that. We mean really get to understand yourself. What makes you tick? What makes you happy? What makes you uncomfortable? What turns you on or off?
To help you out with this process, we suggest you sit down and run through the following thought experiment on your own without your partner’s input (that will come later.) Find a quiet corner somewhere. Put away your phone. Read the questions and just think about them. You may not know the answer! But, just thinking about it will help you.
We have three sessions for you with multiple question hoping to lead your mind from macro to micro. We aren’t shrinks and don’t want to be. We do, however, happen to have a bit of life experience and swinging experience. We have both spent time figuring out ourselves and each other. Just trust us on this one, it helps to think before you jump.
Swinging tends to push the envelope of relationships and causes personal reassessments. You may find that the experience is one of the most profound in your life. Trying not to overstate the impact of swinging, but it can be nearly spiritual.
So, here goes:
Session 1: I am a special and unique creature – think on that and absorb it. What makes me different than everyone else. Why am I unique? What positive qualities appeal to my partner? What flaws do I work to overcome? How could my positive qualities and flaws impact my and my partner’s swinging experience?
a. For instance – I know I’m forgetful, that could lead to not having protection at the ready. Maybe I should have a “going swinging” checklist.
b. For instance – I’m a people pleaser, that could lead to doing something I don’t want in swinging. I need to lean on my partner for support in avoiding giving in to pressure.
c. For instance – I can remain calm in most situations. This may mean that I can be the partner tasked with keeping their head during the heat of passion.
Session 2: The original sin (in swinging too) is selfishness – think on that and absorb it. Why do I want to swing? Am I wanting something more than I have now? What do I hope happens in swinging? What do I not want to have happen in swinging? (Maybe you should write those down for discussion with your partner?)
a. For instance - I hope to see my partner have a bisexual encounter. Am I wanting this for a selfish motive? If so, I should discuss this with my partner and admit my desire. It might be a go! But, I need to watch myself and make sure I don’t push something because of my selfish desire.
b. For instance - I don’t want to see my partner having more pleasure with another person than with me. Then, I shouldn’t swing. (The swinging experience is so stimulating that it will be more powerful than in your private bedroom. Understand that if your partner were having sex with that other person for the millionth time and after a long day at work, that it could get mundane. Primping and planning for sex all day and then the thrill of “the different” will always bring a crazy edge to the swinging event. If you can’t handle that, then don’t do it!)
c. For instance – I want to have oral sex and my partner doesn’t like oral sex. I need to admit this up front to my partner. I need to understand that as a selfish motive it might be a deal breaker with my partner.
Session 3: A person is the sum of their experiences – Think on that and absorb it. What life experiences do I have that make me who I am? What positive experiences have helped me rise and succeed? What baggage am I carting around that handicaps my success? How will these experiences impact my swinging?
a. For example: I have three divorces because I cheated on my spouses. Will my current partner be able to trust that swinging will never lead to cheating?
b. I found a spouse who supports my every venture. Inside the supportive framework, am I too comfortable? Could I overlook the needs of my partner by expecting support?
c. I have built a successful business. Do the skills at overcoming adversity and being attentive to detail transfer to swinging? How can I use my experiences to support my partner’s swinging experiences?
Now, you have dug a bit at yourself and we hope what you found was a worthy human being, deserving of love and able to provide emotional security and love to their partner. Take what you’ve learned about yourself to your partner and have the discussions you need to have before you swing. You will be happy you did!
Seriously - don't just stumble into swinging. Think about it.