We’ve gone through multiple iterations of rules during our swinging journey and have found that there is one cardinal principal that, if we stick to it, keeps swinging a smooth and enjoyable lifestyle. No, we don’t mean have safe sex only, though that is a good rule. No, we don’t mean communication is key, which is also a good one. The Cardinal Principal is – No Surprises!
What? You mean there isn’t any spontaneity to swinging? No, that isn’t what we mean. It’s fine to blindfold your wife in a hotel room and surprise her with a single man, as long as your wife knows and agrees that playing blindfolded with a stranger is in the cards. What you can’t do is blindfold your wife and sneak in a single man. That my friends could actually be called rape!
The proper use of the cardinal principal of “No Surprises” means that you have talked through with your partner what each of you want and what you are willing/unwilling to do. You have established where the boundaries are and acknowledge that these are different for each other. You understand that the more restrictive boundary, be it the woman’s you’re the man’s, is the one you stick with.
If the woman is uncomfortable with her partner kissing another woman on the mouth but is fine with her partner providing another woman oral, then the partner is duty bound to honor the woman’s boundary. A boundary can change over time, but all changes have to be honored at the highest level. The trust given in swinging is around some of the most sensitive emotions.
To “surprise” your partner by going beyond an established boundary is frankly the worst thing you can do in swinging. That broken trust won’t come back easily and the hurt caused can be severely damaging to a relationship. The feelings caused by surprising your partner and crossing a boundary are the same feelings as finding out your partner is cheating (sounds weird but it is what it is).
If you find yourself questioning if an action is within your current boundaries then you are probably at the edge and shouldn’t go further. If you find yourself contemplating an action not covered by any previous discussions with your spouse, then simply don’t do it and discuss the action afterwards.
Look, if swinging was easy then everyone would do it. Every couple has different needs, boundaries and insecurities. They are, after all, human. No one wants to look up from the tangle of play and see their partner doing something off limits! So, take it from us – NO SURPRISES!